Here's a New Year's resolution that anyone can keep. Give the people you love, starting with yourself, the benefit of the doubt. Generally speaking and almost without exception most of us are doing the best that we can at any given moment. We are being as loving as we can be, as kind as we can be, as generous as we can be, even though our best might not make it, even and especially in our own eyes.

This was brought home to me in a deep and personal way as I spent the holidays with my original family. Although the visit did not include any storming out or other traumatic arguments that suggested the end of the relationship, the very lack of them and what was left over made the reality of the relationship clear. It was a bittersweet departure, with this realization of what was left between us, and our agreement to not try to be understood or provoke a healing in all the old wounds.

My fifteen year old son commented that my mother did not bring out the best in me. He loves his newfound wisdom and I could not argue the point. Sometimes the love we can express doesn't bring out the best in us, and although we may wish to be kinder and more loving the reality of the past and all the baggage that is visceral in us allows only the benefit of the doubt to protect us.

It is a humbling realization. To see the limits of one's own capacity to love so clearly and still try to come to a place of loving oneself. This is actually our only choice and in the words of Martin Luther King, Jr. in his speech "Where do we go from here?" He calls this creative redemptive love ultimately the only answer we have as a human family. This redemptive love, which is far from the way we idealize loving relationships, is what we are given to build family and community with. It has to be enough.

With many people in my life, loving them brings out the best in me. I am inspired by my ability to give generously of my time and resources. It is comforting and easy for me to accept even my weaknesses when I am with these heart connections. I don't have to think about giving the benefit of the doubt so much in these relationships because they make me feel strong and, on good days, confident.

But what this new year taught me is that until I can embrace the relationships where I am weakest, and meaner than I want to believe, I can't fully embrace the rich heart connections because all those parts of me live in me and can't be neatly separated by the quality of the relationship. In fact the more complex the relationship the more likely that the benefit of the doubt is the only thing that can sustain us living on this little blue planet spinning in space.

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/

Wind power is one of the fastest growing alternative energy sources available. What could be cleaner than capturing the power of the moving air and turning it into energy? This is a powerful metaphor on a personal level and in our work to make relationships sustainable. The air in your relationship flows from the communication that passes between you and your partner. It is the currency of your relationship. It has the power of a wind generator to capture the essence of what it is to be intimate. It is the source and fuel for physical intimacy.

Taking into account significant gender differences in communication styles and comfort is an important beginning. Women communicate with about ten times the number of words as men. Knowing this fact will hopefully allow for differences without letting anyone off the hook. Everyone needs to stretch themselves when it comes to learning to communicate. Our willingness to share of ourselves in breadth, openness and depth reflects our ability to be intimate. Self disclosure is literally a breath of fresh air for many relationships which limit most conversation to dealing with the mundane tasks of managing a life. It is easy to fall into this place where discussions remain on the surface; our busy lives often leave little time for processing our own feelings or the complex work of expressing them.

Having conversations of depth require not only time, but trust. First, we must trust ourselves. Low self-esteem is hard on relationships because we cannot really build a bond of trust with another if we are not comfortable with ourselves. Issues can easily become confused and communication easily muddled when it is continuously layered with a lack of self confidence of one or both partners. For many of us, developing the skills for meaningful communication include not just being willing to express ourselves but also a genuine effort and interest in listening.

There is little that makes us feel as deeply valued and loved as someone taking the time to truly be present and hear our story. It is an art that is often overlooked in all of our dealings, but is particularly damaging in intimate relationships. Learning to listen actively and respectfully adds miles to the life of your relationship. Trusting your partner enough to share true, central and meaningful aspects of oneself is a true aphrodisiac. It creates a continuous cycle of deepening self disclosure and safety that is at the heart of thriving relationships. Consider building a wind generator inside your home if you are really committed to a sustainable life. The air is good in there and who knows how much energy you might be able to store up for some cold winter night. 

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/

It’s easy to get so lost in the momentum of holiday activities and the seemingly endless to-do-lists that we forget what the holidays are for.  There is always more to do than there is time for, and probably never quite so acutely as during the holidays.  Gift giving drives a lot of the frenzy and although we can point to all the cultural mania driving us to purchase our good holiday feelings, for many of us there is a legitimate desire to really give something that feels meaningful and is a true reflection of our love.  



Every now and again we are fortunate enough to know of a particular thing that is desired… Better still when we have the exact make and model number… but short of those golden opportunities where the desire matches our ability to give, there is precious little that we can offer in the way of material goods that can communicate our deepest feelings.  The power of advertising further complicates this by making us believe that certain gifts will speak volumes about our love- diamonds, flowers and fine chocolate are a few that come to mind.  

While those are all nice gifts, I don’t know if I have ever gotten a more authentic sense of my partner’s love for me than when he has taken the time and gotten over the inconvenience factor to show up for me.  Some years this has been in the small mundane tasks of trying to get gifts wrapped for our four kids late into the night.  Other holidays, it was night after night of drawing a bath for me and reminding me to give myself the attention I so readily give away to others.   A couple of romantic holidays ago, it was making a romantic bed by the fireplace.   The best gifts have always been him giving himself. 

Giving the gift of our presence is the best because what we all want most is to know that we are not alone in the world.  What this looks like in a day to day way is that our partner is committed not only in words but in actions as well to helping meet our needs.  Feeling like there is someone at your back who cares enough to help, makes our lives and our relationships sustainable.   It’s a gift that keeps on giving and is never the wrong size or color.  It is the most precious gift of all.  

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/

We laugh together out of relief  too,  it’s not just you, or me, but lets face it,  collectively we are all pretty annoying.   A recent study of thousands of couples sited the most frequent cause of breakups and divorces were rarely about big issues, but rather the build up of small gestures or lack of them that caused people to leave their relationships. Certainly a look back through our collective human history is nothing if not a testimony to how incredibly annoying we all are- and how little things can turn bad and ugly on a big scale.

Even within our own tribes and families, our similarities and genetic ties are challenging to grasp and hang onto.  With both partners and children,  appreciating how we are  related is something that we have to learn and re-learn.  It takes separating the essential loveliness of the people around us from all of the incredibly annoying traits that fill the din.  Overwhelming our sense of connection are the small things- how people chew too loudly, or swing their knees in their sleep, or drip food from the corner of their mouth, or talk while they are chewing…the noises we make when we brush our teeth, or the crumbs we leave on the counter, or the socks we can’t turn right side out.  In my house these lists are infinite and trivial and weighty.  Learning to sustain our relationships and choosing to stay happens in all the small moments of the everyday mess of life.  

I write this at a time when I am struck by just how often and how hard I have to work at loving people and accepting them as they are even when they are so annoying.  This coupled with almost a continuous chorus of people I know who can’t quite commit to their relationships, the old one foot out the door syndrome, because living with them is so excruciatingly trying.   We all want our own space, and order to prevail as we would have it, but rarely is that the nature of living with other humans.  It all comes down to admitting just how annoying the whole business is and realizing that I am just as annoying as the people who annoy me.  These issues surfaced frequently in the early years of  creating a family and the most important takeaway lesson of  our years in marriage counseling was this one- that if you can hold what is deeply loveable about someone in one hand while holding what is most annoying about them in the other- side by side;  balance, patience and choosing to forgive and love in spite of the difficulty is possible. 

Photo by: Jsome1

Taking that lesson to the world at large is in some ways more challenging because strangers by definition are well, strange, (at least to us), and so holding what is loveable about them with what is annoying about them can sometimes be hard to imagine.  Last weekend I was in the midst of some 30,000 of them, which even under the best of circumstances is a lot of strangeness.   As a vendor of love products at the natural products show, I strived to see the loveable, but I would be a liar if I didn’t admit that I was frequently faced with the dilemma of how annoying we all can be.

Among strangers we face a different list which separates us- how people dress, or smell, ignore us, talk over us or interrupt (one of my big weaknesses as a stranger) and here again the list can be lengthy.  Yet, the results are universal – all of these annoying qualities make it easy to make these unknown people “other” than us, and taken to the extreme, it is not that big a jump to seeing how many of our serious social ills are the  unfortunate and increasingly disastrous consequence of our inability to see past what is annoying in all of us. 

So here’s my proposal, let’s just go forward admitting to how annoying and flawed we all are, so that we aren’t surprised that living together is so challenging.  We all go in knowing that we choose to get over it, so that we each can find these brief yet life changing moments of holding on to what we all want the most- each other. 

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/

The fun & playful sister from the hit show Keeping Up With The Kardashians embraces PETA's I'd Rather Go Naked Campaign.  Another hot celeb bites the dust & joins our collection of naked celebrities gone naked for PETA. 

"I never was against wearing fur because I truly did not know how these animals were tortured and killed in order to have these coats and accessories. I am done with fur forever and I have now found so many amazing faux fur lines that are great alternatives for women who love the look and love animals. I love that PETA is all about individuals taking baby steps in becoming aware of animal rights." Khloe states on her blog. See who else is Naked for PETA.

"I am not a full vegetarian but I have not eaten red meat or pork in over 10 years. I still eat chicken and turkey but I am trying to stop completely. I am also extremely careful now not to purchase products that are tested on animals." she continues.   

You can also watch her unveiling party video here or catch up on who else is baring it all for animal rights.