I was caught by a news headline that in a poll of a thousand people, approximately 50% of female participants say they would rather go without sex for the summer than gain 10 pounds. One quarter of the male respondents agreed. The Nutrisystem poll was supported by recent European research with 12,000 participants. The study found that obese women were 30% less likely to have a sexual partner than normal weight women. Interestingly this did not hold up for obese men.

photo via Katie Tegtmeyer

How we imagine how other people see our bodies and how we perceive ourselves when we look in the mirror, or touch and smell ourselves has a significant yet complex impact on how we think about ourselves sexually. Body image doesn’t just include our estimation or our shape and weight compared with the ideal cultural body type, it also often includes our feelings about specific body parts. Our feelings about our own bodies are a learned response based on the ideal of beauty that our society and families value. Growing up comparing ourselves and being compared to a specific type of beauty is how our feelings about our bodies grow in us.

While weight issues are often the leaders in poor body images, equally detrimental are feelings of inadequacy from the size and appearance from the size, shape and appearance of genitals and breasts. Many men and women compare themselves to pornographic images of sexualized body parts The actors in these films do not reflect the norm, they got those jobs because of their unnaturally large endowments.


Surprisingly we all believe that there is a direct and simple relationship between having a positive sense of physical self and a positive relationship with sexuality. On a certain level, it is true that feeling good about your body makes you more comfortable with it and more likely to create healthy sexual relationships.

Interestingly, positive body image doesn’t always lead to healthy sexuality. Studies have shown that the opposite is true for men with a positive body images. They were more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior than men with lower body esteem. However women with positive body images were less likely to engage in risky sexual behavior. It is hard to understand these differences, except in the context of the mysterious and unique relationship we all have to our sexuality. What’s more is that the impact between body image and sexuality functions in the inverse as well. Satisfying sexual exploration and behavior can have a positive impact on body image.

Women who don’t feel sexy because of their body image in the world, have reported high levels of sexual satisfaction. The power of engaging and satisfying intimacy lifts the inhibitions and self consciousness that women experience. This is a paradigm shift in the same way that we are beginning to recognize that waking up the arousal mechanism in the body can shift the mental experience of desire. The act of intimacy and the deep satisfaction that accompanies it can actually turn the body image problem on its head.

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/

“Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions” -Woody Allen

Many people have trouble talking about sexual topics, including me. I have never been successful using the pornographic language often associated with sex, but medical terms feel just as odd rolling off the tongue in the midst of a pleasurable act. Generally it is easier to not discuss the topic at all, but then I often wonder if I might get more of the experience that I want if I could figure out how to ask for it. This tongue tied situation isn’t limited to just my partnership either; just this weekend, my sons were talking about how disgusting the idea of oral sex seemed to them and I found myself at a loss to respond. Even with all the work and writing about sex that I do, I still find myself in awkward and uncomfortable situations where I am unsure what words to use, how much to share or explain and even whether it is my place to be the one explaining.

photo via Ed Yourdon

Usually I break through my discomfort, sometimes placing my foot squarely in my mouth, because I believe that even more important than knowing the right words is the intention to break the silence that weighs so heavily over our sexuality. This is an ironic statement when you consider how much titillating, exhibitionist sexual talk fills the Internet and even mainstream media. Yet when it comes to garden variety discussions about improving intimate lives or even more, sharing sexual health information with the next generation, we are all silenced. Thinking about how to recognize and overcome some of the following obstacles might help you develop an ease and vocabulary for having meaningful sexual conversations in your relationship or with your kids.

Sex Myths: The biggest sex myth that is perpetrated, primarily because we don’t know how to talk about our sexual desires, is that we must all cultivate the skill of mind reading if we want to be great lovers. The idea that you should just know what will turn on your partner without communicating does a great disservice to many a relationship. Communication isn’t always about talking, but learning to feel comfortable with anatomically correct language is a good start because it is much easier than learning to read minds.

Sexual Fear: Many people walk around with a lot of fear associated with sexuality. High on the list is the fear of being normal, which makes many people hide their desires. A close second is the fear of sexual rejection, also known as making a fool of one self. Considering how naked, literally and figuratively, our sexual lives make us these fears are understandable, yet not helpful. Hiding our sexual selves or feeling ashamed cuts us off from ourselves and strongly hinders communication.  

Negative Beliefs about Sex:  Most of us were raised with some negative sex beliefs. For some of us, these are very personal, including bad feelings about one’s body (ugly, dirty, fat etc) or the more universal and religious-based sanctions against sexual pleasure. Whichever is your flavor, these beliefs are not strong openers for a good sexual conversation. Combining two people that hold negative beliefs greatly increases the potential for miscommunication because the message trying to be conveyed is misinterpreted.

Lack of Sex Information: To be able to discuss sexual issues and concerns, it helps to have some basic information. Unfortunately, many of us never benefited from any real sexual education. Lacking accurate and basic knowledge of sexual organs and functioning makes a real conversation difficult because there is no context for where to begin. Not knowing the reasons you feel or don’t feel something can make the topic all the more frightening and builds our fears and negative beliefs often without our awareness.

Privacy and Boundaries: Sexuality is one of the areas that we hold most privately in our life, especially as we get older. We all want to have good sex lives but we don’t want anyone else to know about it. Creating the privacy you need to feel comfortable about your sexuality should actually enhance your ability to communicate about it. But using the lack of privacy as an excuse to avoid the conversations will not get you closer to what you want. Additionally having a clear sense of your personal boundaries is essential because sharing your sexual questions will require you to be vulnerable in ways that are uncomfortable. Knowing your own comfort zone might take crossing the line a few times, but feeling confident in your ability to stretch within your boundaries will build your ability to communicate.

 It has been said that language shapes the way we think and even determines what we can think about.  By developing your comfort and vocabulary with your sexual language, you actually expand your abilities to think about who you are sexually.  Breaking through our own barriers to discovering and sharing our sexual selves is liberating and gives access to one of the most essential and mysterious parts of our humanity.   The more that I experiment and practice, the more gratified I am to see how pornographic exclamations and anatomical pointers mix themselves together with little effort, inventing a sexual language that communicates quite effectively.   Open your dialogue here and I promise it will open your experience. 

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/

One of the single biggest life lessons that can change both your relationships and your ability to succeed  is to learn to get out of your own way.   Generally we learn this lesson in hindsight, after we have already squandered an opportunity or harmed one of our relationships.   This happened in my life on both fronts this week  and so now I am practicing a healthy dose of the self-forgiveness lesson instead.  

photo via genista

The recent release of a book on Eco-Sex that borrowed from my tagline on making love sustainable was the first example of my ego blocking me from my own success.  I still remember the day that I got the email from Stephanie Weiss about providing samples for her new book on Eco Sex.  She  had found  our eco love products first and was excited to include them in her book, which has received national attention by the way.   Her publishing house’s former editor had been  talking to me about this book idea before she had left.  My own book’s progress was languishing.   Needless to say, all I could see was red and Good Clean Love products are not featured in her book as they could easily have been.   Perfect,  out of the book example of ego getting in your own way.

Even more painful is when we see our egos lead us astray in our relationships.   They whisper in our ears in a quiet yet determined beat about how our partner is not interested in spending time with us or willing to extend themselves in some social situations.  The tune doesn’t have to play too long and we slip into a negative bias about all that our relationship doesn’t provide, completely overlooking and minimizing all the places where our partner  shows up and sacrifices silently every day.  My ego has still not learned the critical lesson of the benefit of the doubt.   My ego still does not  have the capacity to trust  that even if my feelings are currently being hurt,  that my partner is doing the best that he can.  

The crux of the issue in both these situations was that my feelings were hurt.  I didn’t have to turn it into a losing battle about the right to some words, or even who got the deal with a publisher.  Looking back at how my feelings controlled my behavior at that time, I feel silly and small.  In the same way,  I don’t have to spin the story  of my husband’s  disinterest or unavailability into a weekend long competition about who extends themselves more for the other.   There is no winning in the one-up game, just senseless hurtful words that only increase the distance that I am suffering from anyway. 

My ego rarely leads me to what my heart actually wants.   If I couldn’t have gotten the book contract, I wish I could have used my heart so I could be included in it.   If I can’t get my husband to be interested in what I want to do,  I don’t have to trash all that he does do.   I can just have my wounded heart, look at it and go on without turning the relationship in on itself.   Healthy relationships add health and years to your life.   Unhealthy ones are worse than being alone.   I surrender.  I know that what I want is not coming from my ego, it is a perspective that requires heart.   I am not sure how many days in my life I will have to learn the lesson of which voice I want to listen for, but I am ready to give up the half truths that feel like the whole story when my ego is bruised and my feelings are hurt.  How about you?

 

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/

The practice of mindfulness , originated within Buddhist traditions but has been adapted into a healing modality for a wide range of illnesses.   Impressive study results confirm the power of focusing our attention with intention on improving biological functioning on everything from cancer recovery, immune response and chronic pain. 

photo via emilianohorcada

Recently a Canadian sexologist Lori Brotto, has applied this ancient technique of mindfulness to sexual dysfunction with heartening results. “We spend far too much time worrying about whether we're 'normal' or good enough," says Brotto. "Mindfulness is about cutting out that kind of noise and tapping into what your body is doing."   Her research shows that many sexual dysfunction symptoms aren’t generally caused by physiological wiring problems, but more often by a psychological mind- body disconnect. 

Applying the practice of mindfulness to our intimate experiences is healing, not only because we commit ourselves to being fully present, but we do so with a non-judgmental eyes and a gentle heart.  Often, the disconnect we have to our natural sexual libido comes as a result of the over-thinking that our unspoken sexual insecurities and fears create.
 
It doesn’t really matter what kind of anxiety you bring to the bedroom, whether it is performance anxiety or fears about achieving orgasm, as soon as the mind starts spinning, you leave the present moment and trigger the physiological flight/fight response which makes it impossible to focus on the sensations in your body.  Thoughts of work, family concerns or body issues literally take you away from the visceral experience of contact.  This is where the mind turns off the feelings in your body.  Forget about arousal, you might not even feel someone pinch you when you are lost in a mind out of control.  
 
A good way to begin to quiet the mind and bring yourself into the moment is to rely on the senses.  Sensuality is really nothing more than connecting to your senses deeply.  It is in the smallest of sensations that this practice comes alive.  For instance, actually feel the different textures of skin on your partner’s body,  or feel the weight of their hands on your lower abdomen,  run your fingers through their hair, trace their face with your lips.  Giving these moments are full attention says love. 
 
It was waking up to the power of scent that first deeply shifted my ability to be fully present in my own intimacy.   This is how I started my love company, Good Clean Love.  The greatest pleasure I have in life is when my husband says he is “smoking me” when we lay together.  Being consumed in your sense of smell with someone you love carries the intrinsic power of presence.  
 
Mindfulness takes practice.  Incorporating some silent times alone where you can  learn to  notice and watch your mind at work is a good foundation for the practice in the bedroom. Letting go of erroneous thoughts on your own will help when you get distracted with a partner.  Learning to stay focused on the sensations you experience with your partner can be more challenging than it sounds.   This is why mindfulness has always been associated with loving kindness.  Mindfulness has a snowball effect in life, it’s effects have a slow progression that eventually changes the way you live.
 
What better place to practice it, then with the person you love.   Showing up mindfully and experiencing the remarkable range of sensations that physical love and arousal creates in the body is transformative in your relationship and your life.  There is no higher gateway to transcendence. 

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/

Orgasm is a natural biological response that is built into our bodies, yet often gets buried with time and cultural conditioning. The American rate of anorgasmic women is three times higher than anorgasmic women in Europe; a finding that is both mysterious and revealing when you consider the very different cultural view and education that sex is given in different countries. For many women the lack of education about sexual functioning and the rampant misinformation and negative cultural connotations of sexuality blocked normal sexual curiosity and exploration. 

Orgasms are as unique as each individual who experiences them. The wide variety of intensity, location and stimulus that contribute to and creates orgasm plays a big part in the mystery that many women experience in identifying what their own orgasm feels like. Interestingly, studies have found that the confusion about experiencing orgasm goes both ways- some women claim having an orgasm and show no bodily response, while other women who do have classic response like vaginal contractions and heart racing believe that nothing has happened. The modern mythology and (dare I say it; pornography) of orgasm looms so large that many women are not even sure how to identify their own. 

Of all the coveted human experiences, what makes orgasm so elusive is that it cannot be forced.  Even many methods of cajoling seem to backfire.   Orgasm is not under our conscious control, which actually is the quality that may make it difficult for so many people to find.  Betty Dodson, the famous sex therapist that used to hold masturbation sessions for women once said that “orgasm is where the body takes over.” This makes sense because the experience of orgasm often feels like a burst of pleasure, bliss, and emotional and physical release. In fact, the moment of orgasm creates such a complete release that the brain center that controls anxiety and fear is switched off.  

Giving yourself over to orgasm is a leap. Some people describe it as the same feeling you get when you slide down the top of a large roller coaster hill. Taking the dive requires the ability to be completely in the present moment and to feel entirely safe. It isn’t that surprising then, that statistically, your chances of having an orgasm are much better on your own than with a partner.   

Letting go of your judgments about sexuality, and digging deep into the fears and insecurities that most of us carry about our sexual history, preferences and behaviors is a challenge that many relationships face.  Many people spend their lives married to people with whom they can’t even say the word “masturbate,” let alone imagine sharing the act. Not being able to disclose or trust our sexuality holds our orgasm hostage.

Finding a language to explore this exciting experience of letting go and having the courage to change your thinking and habits to discover this elusive place is the subject of Vivienne Cass’s “The Elusive Orgasm.” In a therapeutic workbook style, which guides the student to rethink her relationship to her own sexuality and make the changes to experience it, this book is a great introduction to uncovering the sexual pleasure that is our birthright.

The good news is that the more orgasms you have, the more orgasms you’re likely to have in the future.  Learning about your own sexual response and developing your orgasmic potential will bring both immediate gratification and long-term satisfaction. As with any skill based human motor function, all bodies come equipped with the tools for orgasm, yet without the proper education and opportunity to practice, many people never successfully achieve the synergy of mind, body and spirit to release this very unique and revelatory experience.  It is a quest worthy or our time and attention. 

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/